Well, I should have no reason to feel this way really, but right now I am in position where I could take my life in several different directions and it’s worrying me, because worrying is what I do. Another post by another user about friends of opposite sex got me thinking, so I decided to express my thoughts here. This is a long post.
Life is a funny thing, and I feel like every year I am always surprised as to where it took me from where I was the year prior. It always seems some place I never would have imagined. Being born in Colorado and moving several places there as a young child, I was used to being displaced. Then I moved to Kansas when I was 7. I would say that was the most constant place I lived in my life, having lived there for 7 years.
After that, my life was in motion and constant transition from one thing to another: moving to Missouri, living with my cousins in Utah, moving to Illinois, moving to Wisconsin, going to college in Idaho, moving down to Utah after graduation. I have joined groups, clubs, and cliques, and there just seems to be hardly any constants. I am just a wallflower. I just wander through life looking for something, something that I’m not sure of myself. Someone whose presence is to be tolerated and then quickly forgotten when I leave.
The thing is, most people’s answer to me when I say I am searching for something would be to say that I need God, but I don’t know how much that would really help, after all the effort I have put into it trying to find God already. I have already read the scriptures in their entirety with still that empty feeling inside me. Sometimes I catches glimpses of things, of feelings that I have never witnessed before.
I have no idea where I will end up five years from now. I miss the predictability of youth, where the future seemed laid out before me. Sometimes I catch glimpses of memories I had of childhood, happy ones where I see something new from them I had never seen before, and I want more of that, but I don’t even know how to find it. I have tried drawing and writing and music, but the “something more” I am looking for eludes me. I want to create something that encapsulates that something – then I would feel my life had meaning, that it actually mattered.
I keep trying to contact old friends and rekindling something, but I don’t think it will help me to find what I am looking for. I feel like I am on the brink of doing something spontaneously drastic, but my first goal is to get a job and trying to be self-sufficient.
I don’t really know how to conclude this thought, so I thought I’d just add a video I liked here.